- You are not a boy racer Saskia, you don’t even have a boy-racer looking car, so why do you drive like one?
- Don’t spend all of high school looking forward to finishing, you will miss the easiness of secondary school one day.
- Don’t take for granted the fact that you get to see your friends everyday, after high school you will have to make a lot more time to keep in touch with friends.
- Spend as much time as you can enjoying quality time spent with your family as a whole, before you are spread all over the country.
- Don’t get too worried about schoolwork; it’s a whole lot easier than university!
- Make the most of every opportunity for leadership within school, it’ll prepare you for any future responsibilities and opportunities that may come your way.
- Continually learn new and different sports, it’s more difficult to start from scratch when you leave high school, and when you’re the one paying the fees.
- Who cares If you don’t know what you want to do with your life, enjoy your current journey, everything will fall into place.
- Relationships at 16 aren’t really worth the heartbreak.
- Don’t think every friendship you have with a guy has the potential to turn into a relationship. Enjoy the friendships you have, treat those guys like your brothers, and don’t get too serious about life.
- Don’t just listen to pop songs on the radio, expand your horizons and be open to new genres of music you never thought you would’ve enjoyed.
- LimeWire is BAD! It will screw up your laptop with random viruses and will accidentally delete ALL your photos. (That was a bad day, trust me).
- Don’t be afraid to spend a bit of your hard-earned money on things that you want and need. When you become a student at university you won’t have as many opportunities to buy yourself things that you like, and there will be many other expenses (such as rent, power etc.). So make the most of the freedom from expenses you have now.
- It’s okay to say no when you get offered hand-me-downs from other people. You don’t have to say yes to every item of clothing, they're just going to sit in your wardrobe and never be worn. Don’t be afraid to say how you really feel.
- Don’t underestimate the danger of ice when driving.
- Embrace your quirkiness, be true to yourself.
- Get braces when your at high school, it’s worth it.
- Tell your favourite teachers how much of an impact they have had on your life.
- Don’t be afraid to check out alternative options for high school in year 13, it is possible to achieve NCEA credits through other courses outside of school.
- Go to every possible Mumsdollar concert while they are in their prime, and that goes for other bands too. Bands break up; they go their separate ways, so make the most of seeing your most favourite bands live!
- Don’t take so long to buy your first pair of skinny jeans. Seriously, bootlegs were like so 2005!
- Don’t be a model for a hairdressing salon, even though you get a haircut for free. They will shave the back of your head and make you neck very cold during winter. Just stick to the more expensive, but more tame standard cuts.
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I recently watched The Fault in Our Stars (yes I cried!), and I left the movie theatre with the realisation that we don’t spend enough time telling our friends and family just how much they mean to us while they’re alive. Without giving too much away, one of the characters is dying so they want their friend to write and say their eulogy to them while they’re alive. I really loved this idea because it meant that their friend could say how much that person meant to them and how much they loved them, and the dying person was able to hear it before they died. Do you have a friend that is just a pleasure to love? Someone that totally receives your love then absorbs and reflects it right on back?
I have a friend like that. Every time I ‘ve talked on the phone with her there is just so much to say, so much to catch up on, and so little time. I hang up, and then all these things that I wanted to talk about, but never got the opportunity to say, come flooding back. The only reason we have to end our calls is because one of us has to go do something, or we are about to run out of minutes. This is the type of friendship I just love to have in my life. The type that unconditionally loves; the type that listens; the type that brings clarity and joy. That is the truest of friends. It’s the best when you can find a balance between the light and fluffy chats and the deep and meaningful ones too. Talking about the real stuff, the rough stuff, the rises and the falls. There's nothing I love more than a juicy D&M (deep and meaningful conversation). But what about friends that are a struggle to love? The friendships where you put so much in, and all you get is a generic Facebook wall post saying “Happy Birthday, hope you have a great day!” Is that all I'm worth to you? Do I not deserve a personalised message, or even better a text or a visit? Or the friends that come to you only when they want something? Am I only valuable for one-off exchanges, where I give you something, and don’t get anything in return? And then you begin to wonder if you're being selfish for wanting some type of return for your love and friendship. It’s easy to love the friends that make life so much brighter and happier, but the friends that bring true meaning to the concept unconditional love are the ones that maybe need our love the most. Sometimes our friends actually need us to pull them up on their questionable practices and just say, “Hey, I know you’re better than what you are doing.” For me it’s difficult, because I don’t want to create conflict, Saskia and conflict don’t exactly walk hand-in-hand. But I also want to be fearless, I want to tackle issues head on, and to not be afraid of saying what’s on my mind. Realistically, it would be so much easier for me to pretend I don’t notice what's going on in my friends' lives and to shrink away from confrontation, but where’s the growth in that? How will I ever learn to be a better friend if I don’t start acting like one? Yes, “love is a two way street” (thanks Kimbra), and yes, “me and you, it takes two” (thanks Mary-Kate and Ashley). But sometimes there are phases where you actually have to get over yourself and put in some one-sided effort, for the sake of your long-term friendship. I can honestly say in some of my friendships, that if I hadn’t pushed through phases where I was putting in all the effort, I wouldn’t still be friends with them today; our friendship could quite possibly have just faded away. Sometimes my friends may need me more than I need them, and that’s okay. So being brave, confronting issues head on, and selflessly loving are all of benefit to me as a person, and as a friend. Maybe my friends might not appreciate it at the time if I’m encouraging them to confront issues they haven’t wanted to face? Maybe I’m opening my friends’ eyes to a wider and deeper perspective of themselves? Despite the initial hurt or confusion, surely it’s better for us to be challengers and catalysts of growth in our friends’ lives in the appropriate circumstances and situations? Being friends is so much more than having someone to have coffee with; it’s about support and trust, love and encouragement, laughter and connection. When friends are in dark places, it’s our responsibility to support them through that time. Loving the one that is hard to love. Sometimes the risk of conflict is high, your friends might take offence, and they might walk away. But I ask you this, is it better to stand by and let your friends go down a drain, or is it better to be there in the drain with them, pulling them out to safety? What have I got to lose? A friendship? Well, yes. But is this person worth taking that risk for? Well, yes. Take courage. Be not afraid of conflict. Take your torch. Shine the light to safety. Be the friend you would want to have. Unconditional love. Agape. Let’s be honest, as girls, we have all fallen victim to the over-analysis monster. In fact, there is actually a legit disorder out there called analysis paralysis where a situation is over-analysed to the point where no decision is made at all, effectively paralysing the outcome. Struth! This is serious stuff! At a personal level, analysis paralysis has detrimental effects. The worst decision you could make is not making a decision at all. Trust me, I know, I can be the worst decision-maker at times, but I’ve become a whole lot better (thank goodness!). I’ve come to realise that choosing something, and sticking to it, is a whole lot better than sitting around pondering your options. But I’m not talking about poor-decision making here; I’m talking about the dangers of over-analysing. Side Effects Over analysing conversations you’ve had with people, going through the dialogue in your head, we’ve all been there. Probably more so, when they are someone we actually have a crush on or are interested in. But I’ve discovered that it’s not healthy to over-analyse nor is it beneficial for your sleep. Spending precious sleeping minutes going through the pros and cons of what he said and what you said isn’t going to make the situation any clearer, you’ll only be left more confused and perplexed than before. Chances are, if you have to stop and ask yourself if you are over-thinking something, you probably are. Give up Your Right to Understand I do love a good deep analysis every now and then, trying to discover the deeper motives behind the actions of people, the reasons for why people do the things they do, but taking it to the extreme just wears me out. I’d rather be content without the need to understand every little thing, rather than frustrated and puzzled while nitpicking every single detail. It’s exhausting! By giving up my ‘right’ to understand everything, and choosing not to dive into the deep and meaningful pool every now and then, I’m a lot more at peace in my circumstances. “…I’m afraid if you look at a thing long enough; it loses all of its meaning” – Andy Warhol Don’t Dwell I think it’s also important not to dwell in those ‘pools’ of over analysis either. If you have something that is on your mind, letting it sit there can only build fear or confusion, but dealing with it constructively and productively can put your mind at peace. If you are confused or need to ask a question, do it! If you’re a verbal processor talk to your boyfriend/girlfriend, or friend. If you want to know the answer, ask the question. Other options could be writing a journal, listening to music, or one of my favourites, going for a run (or some form of exercise). I have the best ideas and thought processes when I’m exercising. If you’re a natural over-thinker (you’re not alone), it’s not a bad thing. Be proud of who you are! But it’s important not to let your thoughts be controlled by fear, fear of not understanding a situation, or of the possible consequences of different decisions. Peace will come when you give up your right to understand. Over-Thinking Can Lead to Negative Thoughts By over-analysing relationships or conflict, sometimes we begin to create problems in our head that weren’t existent in the first place! Over-thinking can ruin you; it can ruin your situation and twist things into uncomfortable shapes. It can make you worry, and make things seem so much worse than they actually are. It is no surprise that negative thoughts develop when we are looking at a situation, a relationship, or a person from every single angle, turning it inside out and critiquing every inch. There is a negative side to every situation, the art is not letting those negative factors overpower and dominate over the positive factors. We spend too much time over-analysing, over-thinking and over-reacting. Sometimes it is best just to stop thinking so thoroughly and to go with the flow. If something feels right in your gut, it quite possibly is. Sometimes all we need to do is stop analysing the present so much, stop planning the future so thoroughly, stop figuring out precisely how we feel, and just see what happens. If you could see how it all turns out, There is definitely a certain degree of truth to the idea that people can only be as close to you as what you let them. This concept applies to friendships of all ages, the fresh, the old, and in-between. If you don’t want to talk about the hard stuff that’s going on in your life, chances are, your friends are never going to know; they’ll never be able to step up to the mark and take their roles as supporters in your life. As a friend, it is our responsibility to step alongside our mates during their times of need and support them, love them, listen to them and just be there for them. But how are we supposed to step up to the mark and be a friend to those people, if we never knew there was something going on in the first place? Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down. – Oprah Winfrey This brings to light the reverse side of this duty of friendship concept. As a person going through a tough time, it is your responsibility to tell your friends what is going on. It’s super tough to tell your friend that you just broke up with John Smith, and as hard as it is to admit that you are struggling, your friends want to be there for you, to support you and build you up. So let them be there, give them an opportunity to be there, to be the friend through the good and the ugly. There is a beauty to raw honesty and fragility in friendship; knowing you can rely on that person (or people) to walk alongside you through the mountains and valleys of life. In fact, I see it as an honour and privilege to be able to rejoice with my friends during their seasons of joy, but also to be there, listening and comforting during those seasons of sadness. As New Zealanders, we seem to have this issue with our pride. We feel like we can’t burden other people with our problems, and we generally don’t want to cause a fuss or a scene. We have an international reputation for being laid-back and carefree, so the idea that we need to be open about our feelings and admit we actually have issues can be, naturally, quite difficult. We don’t always enjoy exposing our true state to our friends, admitting that we aren’t actually okay. Our immediate response to the question “How are you?” is “I’m good.” It’s hard to admit to yourself and others that you need support from a friend, but the reality is, there is freedom to be found in allowing yourself to address whatever may be going on. Everybody is different, but for me, I find I need to talk out my issues; my friend doesn’t even need to say much, just listen and let me somehow verbally process my emotions. Other people like to keep it inside, which is fine, but know that you have friends who are willing to walk alongside you in life, rather than just stand at a distance. Friendship improves happiness, and abates misery, by doubling our joys, and dividing our grief. – Marcus Tullius Cicero Chances are, not everybody has that person they can rely and trust on, a friend through all seasons. Sometimes, those people aren’t actually our closest friends, but they’re our parents, brothers or sisters, our mentors, or our teachers. We can’t change others, or make friends magically appear, but we can change ourselves. When we decide to be the type of friend that we would want to have in our own life, this is when we truly begin to master the art of selfless friendship. The natural reaction to love is love. So if we treat others the way we would like to be treated, chances are, we might actually end up receiving a similar treatment to what we were giving. If you don’t have a friend who is there through all seasons, be that friend through all seasons, set an example of the type of friend we should all aspire to be, a friend that others would want to have. For those people going through rough times, don’t be afraid to speak up, allow yourself to become vulnerable with your friends, give them opportunities to support you, and for them to walk alongside you, you will discover new depths to your friendships that you didn’t know existed. There is a magnet in your heart that will attract true friends. That magnet is unselfishness, thinking of others first; when you learn to live for others, they will live for you. – Paramahansa Yogananda |
SASKIAI am a daughter of the King, a passionate expresser of positivity and a lover of lists, food and creative expression. Archives
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