But that’s just the thing, as a child of divorce I forgot to see my parents as two people in a forever relationship, a marriage. I saw them as Mum and Dad, and that’s how it had always been. Maybe it was because I was 17 when it happened, but I realised the hurt I was feeling from my parent’s divorce was only a small portion to what they were feeling. It was their relationship that had fallen apart, it was their marriage that had come to an end, I was just an offspring.
When I found out…
On the 1st of June 2010 Mum and Dad sat my sister and I down for a chat. I thought they were about to tell us that Mum was pregnant, we were moving houses, we were moving back to New Plymouth or Wanganui, or that they were unhappy with the untidiness of mine and my sister’s room (we shared a room). You can only imagine the shock when we were told Mum and Dad were separating. Later that evening I remember having a spa by myself, I couldn’t figure out my emotions, I knew I wanted to cry but I wasn’t really the crying type. I started playing the song Fix You by Coldplay. I looked up at the stars, the tears began flowing. I remember waking up in the middle of the night crying, I was hoping it was all a dream, but no, this was real life. That’s probably one of the two times in my life that I’ve actually cried myself to sleep. I was pretty sad.
My relationship with my parents…
Most of my life I had seen Mum and Dad as a package. But when they separated I realised that I needed to focus on my relationship individually with Mum, and individually with Dad, not just with Mum and Dad as a whole. Since realising that I think my relationships with both my parents have changed so much. I’ve been able to go deeper with both of them individually, and in different ways too.
Encouraging others…
Through my testimony, my experience, I’ve actually been able to support other people who have gone through similar situations. Just over a year after my parents split, one of my best friends went through the same situation. I was able to support her and give her advice because I had been where she was. If I hadn’t had my own experience, I wouldn’t have known what to say or do that would be specifically appropriate for her circumstance. So I encourage you, if you are a child of divorce, see the potential in your story; see how you can be a light in someone else’s life. You can say hey I’ve been there, and I’ve survived, you can too.
The aftermath…
No matter how old you are, divorce hurts. It doesn’t matter if you’re an adult, a teenager, or even a small child of divorce; it’s going to change your world. And it’s not a once off event without consequences. There is Christmas, the birthdays, weddings, and new partners. Life goes on. It’s ok. You deal with it one step at a time. Friends are important, really important. But most of all, the ultimate comforter, the ultimate lover, the ultimate encourager, is God.
Being the eldest child …
I’ve always felt a sense of responsibility being the oldest, but more so when Mum and Dad announced their separation. I didn’t realise how much it had affected me. I felt like because Mum and Dad were going through a rough patch, they couldn’t be there for my brothers or sister, so I had to step up to the role of MAD (Mum and Dad). I had to be stable for them, I had to drive them everywhere, I had to make tea for them when Mum and Dad were at counselling, and so on. I even considered not going on my gap year to Vanuatu, so that I could stay with my siblings and be there for them. It wasn’t summer in 2013/14, 4ish years after being told about the separation, that I realised I didn’t need to be that person. It was okay to just be a sister; I didn’t have to have it altogether for them; I was allowed to feel vulnerable; I was allowed to be a child. I could just be me. And that was SO freeing! It felt like a HUGE weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
My idea of love…
My whole life I had looked at my parent’s relationship, as a symbol of what love was, what love in marriage looked like. I realised that I needed to look elsewhere, so I turned to God. I seriously wouldn’t know what love is if I didn’t know the love of God. It’s all very well and good to take your idea of what love is from your parent’s relationship, but for me, when that didn’t work out, where was I supposed to turn to? What type of example of love did I have? God’s love, that’s what! Just when I think I’ve got a grip of how deeply God loves me, he takes me deeper and reveals more and more of his love in my life. It’s beautifully overwhelming. It’s extravagant. It leaves me in awe. I am forever amazed by God’s love. If ever I need a reminder of what true love is, what unconditional love is, I look at God’s love. He let his own son be brutally whipped and nailed on a cross, for us. He let Jesus go through the most agonising pain, for all of our sins. He pursues me, He blesses me, and He cherishes me. If that isn’t love, then I don’t know what is!
Light in the darkness…
There have been so many positive things that have come from my parent’s divorce. I’m not saying that it wasn’t an unfortunate circumstance, and I wish that it never happened in the first place. Of course, it was terrible; of course I would prefer that my parent’s were still in a happy and healthy marriage. But that’s not what happened, and that’s not how it is now. And I am choosing to see the amazing things that have come from the situation.
I have a deeper relationship with God. I know I can trust in him and lean on him. I know he has my back, and I know that his love for me is so much greater than I can grasp. It’s steadfast; it isn’t dependent on what I have or haven’t done.
I have great relationships with both my parents, and I love them so much! My relationships with both Mum and Dad are a lot different now, compared to what they were like 5 years ago. I’ve learnt more about what I appreciate from each parent, and how they love me uniquely and individually in different ways and forms.
I have become a lot closer with my brothers and sister. Even though we don’t get to spend a lot of time together anymore, as the four of us, I cherish and look forward to the moments when we are reunited again.